Prom - Was definitely not what I thought it would be. I didn't like where it was. It was just not the same. Blah.
This week - not a good one. Stressful, sad, emotional, angry, not good. Looking for the best in everything...
I never meant to push you away. In fact, I never meant to push anyone away. But, when I look back on all the hardships that I've gotten through, I didn't talk about them. I vented to a few friends here and there, I let them listen to me, I listened to their advice, I accepted their hugs, and I let them wipe away the tears. But I hate being a weight on their shoulder, so I kept it to myself. Half the things I think, half the things I feel - are things that no one would believe I could think or feel. I just, keep it to myself.
Ever have one of those weeks, where no matter who is there to help you, who is there for you... you just push them away b/c you don't think they'd get it? Because really - you're just upset about nothing. About stupid everyday situations. And yet, when you want someone to listen, you just don't see them listening. It's a simple "It'll all be okay." and then that's it. It's never more these days. I guess I expect too much maybe? But it'd just be nice... that no matter what was going on in their lives, to have a friend, to have a person that would drop everything just to make sure I'm okay. It'd be nice to have that person back again. I had someone once... I had a few people once..
I'm leaving in a year. All my friends... are leaving in a year. I hate the thought of knowing that I'm a senior in 3 short weeks. I'm excited, and ready to move on with life... but I'm too young - aren't I? Am I really ready to leave everyone behind... college will be great... it's just - I feel that I'm going to leave so many things left unfinished... so many memories un-made... so many words left unsaid... I'm afraid of not doing something that I should have done.. something that if I don't do - I'll regret not having done it. And yet, I'm scared of doing something I'll regret...
To me - I find something new out about myself everyday. It's like, all it takes is a single breath in the morning when I first wake up for me to realize something new. Sometimes it's good things, sometimes it's not so good. Sometimes I want to change for the better - and yet, I don't have the encouragement to do it... and I've never been good on doing things on my own. Yet, I want to so bad. And one day - I know I will. One day I'll be everything I wanted to be in my life... I'll get through past experiences, and be okay again. And future experiences that are coming up... I know I'll be okay after them.
I never planned on getting hurt. I never planned on feeling alone. I never planned on being the girl at 14 years old that went through more than most people go through in their life time. I never planned on falling in love, just to get my heart broken. I never planned on going against all my morals that I once had as a little girl. I never planned on feeling confused on a day to day basis. I never planned on complaining about my life - b/c life is wonderful.. and I truly believe that. I never planned on losing friends. I never planned on losing family. I never planned on losing myself here and there. I never planned on being a disappointment to some. I never planned on hurting ones that I loved. I never planned on letting things that I knew should have been in my life forever - get away from me. Yet, all those things happened.. and I'm learning to deal. Everyday.. we all go through our own emotional battles. We all hide a thing or two... b/c we just don't know how to let it out. We don't know who to turn to. I know I'm not the only one. I hear it from my friends. I listen to them. I hear their trials. And what makes me happy.. is knowing that most of it, I've been through too. I understand them. And I love helping them... nothing gives me a better feeling - than knowing I helped in some way.
I know people don't talk about what they're going through all the time. I guess I'm just not afraid to admit that my life isn't perfect.. I can admit that I fall down sometimes. I can admit that I want parts of the past back - and I want parts of the future gone. But life is life. You get hurt, you fall down, you get back up. It's gonna take it's own way - it's just a matter of how you deal with it. I'd have to say - I've been dealing pretty well. It's just been a rough week...
..and that's just me venting.
I love my friends.. the ones that are there... and the ones that don't know how to be there. I know you are there.. I know I am loved... and if this offended anyone what-so-ever... I didn't mean for it too.
"I may be sad, but I'm not weak" - Secondhand Serenade
   
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I really can't believe it. I have senior pictures coming up... ahhh - don't want to do them... but we'll see how they turn out...
I'm super sad... it reminds me of how sad I was last year.. that sucked.. and this year will be just as bad...
